


Denied

by joonmeetsevil



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Heartbreak, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2020-10-09 03:39:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20483681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joonmeetsevil/pseuds/joonmeetsevil
Summary: I am SO SORRY it took this long to post, school started and kicked my ass and then I had the worst writer block humanity has ever seen but finally it's here! I hope you're going to like it and I'll try harder to write better and longer fics in the future. Thank you for keeping up with my work <3





	1. Part 1

"Is is true, yes or no?", Hanbin and Jiwon never heard their manager speaking with that tone. Cold, strict, harsh, no spark of slight amusement or sympathy like they were used to. This time, the tall man stood like a wall, his arms crossed, waiting for an answer. Jiwon muttered "no hyung, of course it's not". Hanbin swallowed his spit, trying to look calm and collected. His manager sighed, apparently not convinced by Jiwon's lie. He took another sight at the article still loaded on his phone, their pictures under a shocking title : "**iKON BOBBY AND B.I SPOTTED KISSING AFTER A CONCERT**". They both knew who snitched on them, but Hanbin couldn't stop thinking that it was his fault. They usually never did that kind of things, kissing in the changing rooms or anywhere that wasn't their dorms for the matter. They always were so cautious... but it was Hanbin's birthday and he desperately craved a kiss, the euphoria of the moment blinding his judgment. Jiwon indulged him, as he always did, and the kiss was one of the most delicious they ever shared; the only birthday gift he asked for. But then they heard a gasp "oh... oh oh my god shit I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't want to see I didn't see anything!", the hairdresser ran away as fast as she had appeared, Hanbin cursing under his breath "no wait! fuck!" he tried to struggle out of Jiwon's arms but the older kept him still "Let go, she's gonna make a scene if we follow her". Jiwon's eyes were still fixed on the door where the young woman had popped up, in total disbelief. His worst nightmare had became a reality, just like that. And here they were, their manager looking like he knew they were lying but unable to help them in any way. "Just... fuck, you know what? I don't know what's going on with you two but stop it before it gets out of hand. We can pay that girl to change her version but after that you're on your own. We really don't need that shit right now" They didn't need that shit. Their love was a burden to everyone around them. To the other members who had to keep their secrets, to their manager who now had to cover for them, to themselves because they couldn't show their feelings anywhere but at home. The door closed on their manager and they both let a long sigh escape from their throat. "Shit" "It's gonna be okay..." Jiwon looked at him like he said he was going to grow a second head, his mouth opening wide to answer.. but he changed his mind along the way "yeah, whatever".

\-------------------

Jiwon's was bright red, his eyes focused on the floor like a kid getting scolded. He looked like he was about to cry but wouldn't let himself. "I know it's not fair to you... I'm so sorry Bin. I just can't... I can't. I can't. We have to take this as a sign, okay? We had good times together but it's just not... it can't go on forever. We have to grow up now. Learn to be our own persons." Hanbin nodded, quite surprised but somehow serene. Of course Jiwon would react like that. It was so much to take, he needed time to reflect and realize that they truly were each other's soulmate. He needed to meet with himself for a bit, remember who he was outside of their relationship. And he definitely needed to work on that internalized homophobia of his. Nothing they couldn't handle. They would be okay. "I understand. It's okay. We'll still be best friends anyway, right?" Jiwon smiled through his teary eyes "yeah, course". And Hanbin smiled back, foolishly. Not heartbroken. Not worried. He smiled like he meant it, and he sure did, because Jiwon needed time but he would come back.

\----------------

Yes, for the first few months after their breakup, Hanbin genuinely thought that this was all a phase, an obstacle in their flower path and that Jiwon would get over it. He never rethought his plans of marrying him some day, settle somewhere nice with a good view on the mountains and make music together for the rest of their lives. Hanbin never got worried about the whole breakup thing. Until he did. One night, he woke up in a cold sweat, pieces of his nightmare coming back to him in flashing images he didn't want to see. He was panting, his heart beating so fast it threatened to get out of his body. In those kind of moments, he perfectly knew who he needed, so he grabbed a sweatpants and hurried out of his dorm. He barged into Jiwon's room, expecting his ex boyfriend to take him in his arms and whispering him back to sleep. They were not a couple for the time being, but they were still best friends and Jiwon would never refuse to console him. Unless he wasn't alone. The second Hanbin entered the room, he heard someone squeal - definitely not Jiwon. The latter's bed was illuminated only by a pink neon light, the one he bought specifically because Hanbin thought it would be a nice way to set the mood. Jiwon immediately grabbed the comforter to hide his partner's naked body and looked at him like a mad man, "what the fuck Hanbin?! Go away!" Everything after that remains a blur to Hanbin. All he knows is that when the door closed again, he heard Jiwon, his Jiwon, comforting a woman he had never seen before. "I'm so sorry, he never knocks I don't know why the fuck he doesn't, I'm sorry princess he didn't see anything, you're okay".

\-----------

The following weeks, Hanbin avoided the dorms like the plague. He wouldn't even sleep in his own room, even though it was not in the same appartement as Jiwon's. On the fifth day after what he called "the slap across my face", Hanbin had written a total of twelve songs, drank twenty five coffees even though he hated it and slept for six hours tops. The scene rewinded in his mind like a broken movie tape, again and again, hurting him a bit more everytime. Jiwon was fucking her. Making love to her. To someone else. In his bed. The bed where they used to sleep together, softly caressing each other's skin and promising nonsense, lulling themselves to sleep. The bed in which Jiwon once whispered to Hanbin that he was the love of his life and that he would never let go. But he did. He let go. And now he's fucking some girl in their bed. Hanbin sipped on his 26th cup of coffee, his head feeling too heavy for the rest of his body. He had to get out and get some fresh air, forget about Jiwon calling that girl "princess". His fucking little princess. Fuck that. He grabbed his jacket and closed his studio for the first time in two weeks. The cleaning lady would be desperate when she got there. Outside, winter had started to settle in the city, freezing air slapping his face like a reminder. '_You honestly thought this was just a phase_' he scolded himself in his mind, '_you thought he loved you that much, uh?'._ Thankfully, he could pretend his eyes were crying because of the wind and not because he lost everything he cared about in this world. Everything was his fault, because his selfish stupid ass couldn't wait for his birthday kiss. Fuck. Before he realized it, his feet had taken him home at the dorms. He shrugged for himself. Yunhyeong was usually cooking or relaxing in his room when he wasn't in the other appartement and Chanwoo would most certainly be gaming in his room... so whatever. He still didn't feel like talking to anyone. He threw his jacket on the couch and sneaked into the kitchen to find something to snack on, when the door opened again. Hanbin jumped when he heard Yunhyeong laugh, clearly not alone. He decided against sprinting to his room, which would be impossible without being seen, so he stayed really still and quiet, hoping for them not to hear him and go away. Obviously, his stupid luck didn't make that happen and Yunhyeong appeared in the kitchen followed by Donghyuk and Jiwon. Stupid, stupid luck. "Oh, Hanbin, you're back! That's great, do you want a-"

Hanbin didn't listen, his eyes immediately settling on Jiwon, like it's second nature. He was as handsome as ever, his jeans hanging low on his hips, a green oversized shirt making his look cuddly and soft and... a purplish, painful looking hickey in the crook of his neck. "I don't want anything, hyung", he gave up on finding something to eat, turning back to his room, slamming the door behind him. He didn't hear Jiwon mumble "fuck, bin..."

\--------------

_"Is she the sort you’ve always wanted, could she make you what you’re not? Are you happy pretending or pretending that you're happy, fucking your princess on all fours so you can imagine me?" _

A loud knock on the door startled him, but he didn't bother turning his new instrumental down before opening. Jaewon stood in the doorway, a worried look on his face "Hey... hmmm... are you okay in there?" Hanbin was still panting from his recording session, but nodded nevertheless "yeah sure, why?" "well.. the whole building can kind of hear you screaming through the soundproof walls man, just wanted to make sure your vocal chords were still hanging". Hanbin felt himself reddening a little. Was he that loud? "Fuck, sorry. I'll keep it down" Jaewon shrugged "I don't mind, I just... I kind of thought Jiwon and you were only pretending to break up after the scandal so..." Hanbin snorted. _Yeah, me too_, he felt like saying but decided against. "Yeah, shit happens".

\----------------

Things almost got back to normal for a while, with the tour coming up they had suddenly way too much work to waste time with feelings. Hanbin learned her name : Sunhee. Jiwon called her Sunny, his sunshine. He never did it in front of Hanbin, but the younger saw it on his phone everytime she texted him during practice. Everytime, he felt a urge to vomit when he saw the little "**Sunny** ☀" lighting up the screen. '_You know he's_ _training, why are you even texting him_?'. Whatever. It didn't matter. Jiwon was right. They had to grow up. Six years of being of love, shooting upon a star and learning everything about each other, every crook and corner... that was in their past. Not reasonable. He felt his teeth clenching harder than attended. Whatever. Training first. iKON first. "Junhoe! Could you like, try to give a fuck about what you're doing right now?! Do it again. Five, six, seven, eight!"

\----------------

The day before the beginning of their tour, Jiwon woke up to his girlfriend covering his face in light kisses. She grinned when he opened his eyes, kissing his nose softly "Hey, sleepyhead" "Hey..." he cringed at how his body felt, every muscle crying for mercy. He trained so hard, they all did, but right now he felt like laying down all day and do nothing. "I thought we would go shopping today, eat somewhere... enjoy each other's company before you go on tour. What do you think my love?" Jiwon stroked her hair and put it back under her ear, sleepiness washing over him "hmmm... to be honest I feel like dying right now so... maybe we could just stay there... watch movies, play games..." Sunhee pouted at that, looking disappointed "oh... yeah, okay". She got ouf of bed to take a shower and Jiwon sighed. Hanbin had always loved their rare "stay in bed and do nothing" days... It's not that he didn't like Sunhee, because he did. She was nice, fun, astonishingly beautiful and very smart but... she was just Sunhee. He tried so hard to love her as much as she loved him, covering her face in kisses and playing the guitar for her to sleep well... but she still felt like a friend. Well, a friend he had good sex with... but still. Everytime they slept together, he fought with his own thoughts ; "don't think about Hanbin, don't think about Hanbin, don't you fucking dare think about Hanbin!", her moans sounding deliciously sweet but nothing as satisfying as Hanbin's weird strangled noises of pleasure and excited squeals when Jiwon spanked him playfully. He kept trying and trying, because what else could he do? Things were already ruined with Hanbin, he broke up and let him surprise him with his new girlfriend. He broke his heart again with that stupid hickey. There was nothing he could do to gain him back at this point nor did he deserve it, so he kept trying to love Sunhee like a lover and felt so ashamed when he couldn't do it. She was so great... Her smile could illuminate the world but not Jiwon's world. Jiwon's world was elsewhere, immerhing himself in tour details to forget. Jiwon sent him a few texts, asking how it was going, sometimes making up a question in the sole purpose of getting an opportunity to talk to him. Hanbin answered when it was absolutely necessary. And everytime, waiting for an answer, Jiwon re-read their old conversations, years of inside jokes, bad selfies and sweet words thrown here and there. A quick "thinking about u" there, a soft "see you there, love you babyboy" there... When it felt like too much and the urge to run to him and ask him to take him back got too strong, Jiwon typed both their names in naver. That would calm his impulses so quick.

**"I liked them before, but I can't support them anymore. That disgusts me."**

** "kkkkkk are they animals??? you put men in a dorm together and they can't stop themselves from fucking each other? kkkk I bet the others do it too"**

** "I always knew iKON members were pervs since they did that stage in dresses, but ew"**

** "God help them" **

**"I thought Bobby was a Christian????? weird**"

He always ended up putting his phone down with shaking hands. Sunhee came back to bed, taking him out of his thoughts, smelling like flowers and vanilla. Sweet and alluring, but nothing like Hanbin. "I agree to the movie day, but I get to choose the movie" she kissed him sweetly on the mouth, a smile on her soft lips, "of course sunshine, you go for it"


	2. Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY it took this long to post, school started and kicked my ass and then I had the worst writer block humanity has ever seen but finally it's here! I hope you're going to like it and I'll try harder to write better and longer fics in the future. Thank you for keeping up with my work <3

Having nothing to do on New Year's Eve was kind of sad, if you asked Hanbin, but spending it in a club with your ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend? That was straight up humiliating. 

He could've said no, obviously, but Donghyuk and Jinhwan wouldn't leave him alone. Come and have fun they said, the club is awesome! Hanbin sighed. This wasn't awesome at all... And all of his friends were already drunk anyway. He just should've stayed home. He never liked clubbing to start with, so why bother? But no one cared about that. No one cared about how he felt. He just had to deal with his stupid feelings and act like everything was fine because that's what Hanbin does, right? Hanbin is always okay, he works hard and leads well, whatever happens. Who cares if he hates clubs and drinking and Jiwon and his stupid girlfriend? No one cares. So here he was to please his friends, pretending not to be on the verge of a mental breakdown, to be happy for Jiwon and Sunhee, and to like whisky. 

Hanbin checked his phone for the umpteenth time and sighed: still not midnight. The universe was being a bitch to him and he felt like he wouldn't take it much longer. He wanted to go home, curl up in his bed and dream about things he shouldn't dream about like how good Jiwon's hair smelled when he just got out of the shower or how soothing his sleepy voice felt late at night. He wanted to dream about telling Jiwon how much he still loved him, how he probably would never love anyone else this way. Tell him how much it hurt, how bad he was suffering because of him. But he would never do it. Jiwon had every right to be happy with someone else, as he had always been honest with Hanbin. He deserved to find happiness with someone who fit him better... after all, he never seemed to be attracted to any man that wasn't Hanbin. He never pretended he'd ever want to come out, or talk about it to anyone they didn't live with. They were always weird together, two masculine figures, leading personalities, oddly fitting each other like pieces of two different puzzles. They never even properly asked each other out, they just happened to stay in the dance room for a whole night several years ago, just the two of them training and sharing cans of redbull in a vain attempt to stay awake and suddenly they were kissing on the cold floor, hands tearing each other's clothes out of absolutely nowhere. It happened... just like that. Like everything else about their relationship. It just always felt right.

And now Hanbin felt like an absolute idiot for believing it would be forever.

For the first time in his life, he kind of understood people who drank to forget. From the illuminated stairs of the club, he watched Donghyuk and Junhoe swallowing shots after shots of a red liquid with envy. He wanted to have fun too. He wanted to feel free from Jiwon's unbearable presence and enjoy life as a young man celebrating New Year. Maybe he just needed to stop fucking thinking. How could love feel so awful? Love had always made Hanbin feel like home; like a cosy nest he would go back whenever he felt too sad or too weak for the rest of the world. Even in their less good moments, love used to feel familiar, comforting. Like a warm bed you don't want to leave on a cold winter morning. But now it would be winter forever for him. 

He jumped at the tiny hand grabbing his shoulder, Jinwhan's warm smile greeting him in the dark. It was hard to hear him through the loud electro music but they knew each other well enough not to need the noise in their conversations. ''That's for you'', the older said handing him one of the two shots he carried. ''What is it?'' Jinhwan grinned at that ''Tequila. You'll love it or hate it, no in-between''. Hanbin shrugged at that. Time to find out. He chugged the bitter liquid in one-go, cringing at the awful taste, a cough shaking his whole body when he swallowed. Fuck, it burned. He almost spit it all out but before he knew it, it was done.

''Disgusting. Give me one more''

Sunhee's delicate hands on Jiwon's hips used to feel better than that. Not good, not right, not like they were supposed to be there, but better. At first it felt new, foreign, illicit, like he was cheating. And yet so safe, normal, nice, like something that wouldn't make his family hate him for it or wouldn't get him beat up in an alley. Sunhee's hands on him used to feel like a great house with kids and a big dog. Normal. The right thing to do. Pleasant in a boring kind of way. But lately, they felt more and more like a trap closing in on him, not allowing him to breathe, slowly pushing the walls around him until he died from the lack of air. 

Sunhee's eyes didn't change. They just looked a little bit more sad, like she knew how he felt but would rather not know. Her small, thin hands softly holding him by the hips, making him move along with her, dancing like every couple around them. No one gave them dirty looks. No one told them they were monsters. No one told them to get out. No one would hurt them, not tonight and not ever. But Jiwon didn't want to dance with Sunhee and the young woman knew it, her cheerful hope shattering more and more everyday. She knew he loved someone else, and she also knew who it was. When they started dating, he assured her that the rumors weren't true, that it would never even cross his mind to kiss his friend, to love him like that... She believed him. They had a couple dates near Han river, playing in the grass and sharing cups of coffee in cosy little cafes he liked, laughing at each other's anecdotes. Things felt good with him. He was a laid-back person, funny boy, always willing to help others. Falling for him may be the easiest thing Sunhee had ever done. And watching him not falling back, the hardest.   
Her boyfriend was longing for someone else, and she didn't know how to deal with it. Hanbin seemed like a good person, from the few times she spotted him but most of the time, he ran away as soon as they happened to be in the same room. Sometimes, she felt guilty for standing where he belonged, but that feeling never lasted : she was physically there, but in Jiwon's heart, Hanbin never lost his spot. This was their problem to sort out, not hers. If she could enjoy Jiwon's warm arms and chapped lips on hers just a little bit more, then she would do it, while her heart kept on bleeding. 

Jiwon's eyes wandered all over the crowded room until they ended up on the neon-illuminated mezzanine of the club, his gaze predictably finding Hanbin despite the hundred of people crowded in the room. No matter what happened, he would always find Hanbin first. Whether that was a blessing or a curse, he didn't know. Sunhee's eyes followed his, already knowing where they were going to end up but unable to stop herself. Maybe she would like it better if he was looking at another girl. Maybe that would mean she could do something, anything, to be the one he wanted to look at instead. But it was always Hanbin, and there was nothing any of them could do. Somehow, her boyfriend seemed to be the only who didn't know it. The two men's eyes met in the dark, aggressive lights flashing between them, making the younger feel nauseous. Jiwon chuckled for himself when he noticed the shot glass in Hanbin's hand: he always ended up looking like a cliché without even trying to. But he had always loved it; his dramatic tendencies, his corny sense of romance, his Polaroids of things he liked hanging around whenever he decided to put them and his way of closing himself off when he felt bad only to fall back into his arms a few hours later. Hanbin was the most fascinating cliché Jiwon could ever fall in love with. The words echoed in his mind like a mantra, the one he had been trying to chase off his head for weeks now. He is the one you're in love with. He is the one you're in love with. He is the one you're in love with. He is the one... His hands left Sunhee's back where he was holding her so naturally he didn't even notice they were gone, even though she did, ''Where are you going?''. He didn't answer.

His feet seemed to start moving on their own, leading him across the crowded room against his will. He pushed his way through the mass of people trying to grab him by the shirt to get their piece of Bobby, cameras flashing way too close from his face. People would never leave him alone anyway but that was the life he chose for himself, the life they both chose and fought for. People would never leave them alone, each and every move would enrage some of them and please the rest. People were abusing him for kissing his boyfriend, and now he couldn't even tell he was dating Sunhee because they would abuse him for that too. People made fun of him when he recognized his flaws but spit on his face when he felt confident. People told him to never lose himself but tried to shape him in every way they liked. He would never please everyone. Hanbin never tried to do so. 

They bumped into each other in the stairs, a sudden flow of people pushing them around. Hanbin blinked like he was going blind, and thanked God he only drank three disgusting shots and not just the first one, or he wouldn't be able to feel so calm with Jiwon in his personal space. He smelled like usual: expensive aftershave, mint and a glimpse of sweat, and Hanbin felt like dying. At first he thought Jiwon would just make his way past him and go do whatever he wanted to do, but the older locked his eyes with his and stayed there, looking at him, like he was waiting for something. ''Hey'' Hanbin thought about punching him, the alcohol already making its way into his system ''Hey?'', Jiwon smiled and it felt like a stab. 

''You having fun?'' Hanbin snorted ''Much fun''

''That's great''. Hanbin didn't add anything to it and when Jinhwan returned with two brand new shots glasses, he thought about putting himself between them so they didn't kill each other in a club on New Year's Eve. ''Everything okay here?'' Hanbin felt his head spinning, and he couldn't tell if it was the tequila, Jiwon's overwhelming smell or the wave of aggressive feelings washing over him. ''Everything fine... I just... I'm gonna go''. 

Jiwon almost fell down the stairs when Hanbin roughly pushed him to escape, Jinhwan grabbing his sleeve to stop him from tripping. He tried to react, he really did, but a crippling feeling kept him in place, his feet like rooted in the floor after taking him until there and make him hurt Hanbin. Stupid feet. Stupid Jiwon. Stupid everything. Jinhwan yanked him suddenly, his tiny stature looking suddenly more impressive ''Are you gonna follow him or do I have to do that for you too?'' Jiwon wished he could argue but Jinhwan was always the one taking care of his mess. Speaking to the manager when he said things he shouldn't, bowing with him when he tried to get forgiven, giving him advices in the middle of the night when things weren't going well... And God knows things weren't going well at all. Jinhwan forced the shot glass into Jiwon's hand. ''Drink that quickly, and get the fuck out''. And so he did.

Anyone else would've felt desperate running after someone not knowing in which direction they went, but Jiwon was at peace. He knew Hanbin better than he knew himself, and that could be a problem sometimes, but here and there, it felt like a blessing. He just had passed the exit of the club when a hand grabbed his jacket from behind, ''What are you doing?'' Sunhee's shy voice felt way louder after getting out of the cacophony. What was he doing? Not right now, but for the last few months? He answered after what felt like an eternity to his girlfriend ''I don't know. I think I'm trying to be something I'm not''. Sunhee stared at him, both of them frozen in the middle of the sidewalk, people pushing past them to enter. She looked like she knew what to say, but her lips wouldn't let her. The burning feeling in Jiwon's throat made him swallow harder, and finally she let his jacket go. 

''I know'', she said.

''It's not that-'' he tried to explain, not even knowing what was going to come out of his mouth after that, and hopefully she stopped him ''Yes, it is. You wanted your picture perfect life but it's not who you are. You used me because you don't have the courage to admit that you love him, you'd rather hurt two persons that are deeply fucking in love with you than to face the truth. That's who you are.''

Time seemed to stop for a few seconds, bone-chilling wind slapping his face like she just did with her words. He wished he could talk back... he wished she wasn't right. But no lie passed through her shivering lips: he hurt Hanbin and Sunhee by being a liar and a coward. He hurt two beautiful persons who did not deserve any of it because he couldn't face his feelings and nature, because he chose to put himself first when all they did was loving him. Nothing could possibly make it better.

''Sunhee... I'm so fucking sorry... I don't know... I-I don't know how to...''

''Go. It's not my forgiveness you should try to get. Go before he realizes that he's worth so much more than you.''

She turned her back, and an aberrant part of him wanted to scream at her that it wasn't true, that he was worthy of Hanbin and his love, that she was wrong and that he had to do all of this but his heart knew the truth ; he lost Hanbin's trust and the only thing to do was try to get it back. Because Hanbin wasn't Sunhee. She loved him, she really did, but she wasn't him. She didn't know everything about him. She hadn't lived the things they lived together. She couldn't forgive him but maybe, just maybe... Hanbin could.

Jiwon ran so fast his feet started to hurt, the sole of his feet hitting the pavement on every step. The peaceful feeling he had when he was exiting the club had disappeared ; something completely different growing inside of his rib cage and threatening to eat him alive any second if he ever tried to stop running. He took the stairs and kept the pace, because love never took the elevator. When he pushed the heavy door leading to the roof of the YGE's building, his whole body was on fire, sweat running down his temples. 

And because his instincts about him were never wrong, Hanbin was there.

Jiwon knew the younger heard him, but he wouldn't look at him. Hanbin was facing the city under them, the whole country getting ready for a new year full of dreams and promises, smoking a cigarette. He rarely ever did, and that was how you knew he really had enough. Only Jiwon knew about it, no one else. His boy would never let anyone else see him so hurt. 

''Bin...'' he called again, louder, but still no answer, so he kept going, because it felt like he would collapse if he didn't ''Hanbin, I'm so sorry. I'm a piece of shit, I don't know why I do the things I do... I don't get to say I was scared because you were too... I didn't do it because I was scared of people finding out about us, I did it because I'm a selfish asshole who doesn't deserve you anymore. I hurt you, and I hurt Sunhee, I lied and I fucked everything up and-''

''Oh my god, shut up'' Hanbin blew the cloud of smoke he was holding ''just, if you went all the way here to feel sorry for yourself and listen to yourself cry, then shut up. Go away. If you're here to make me understand that I should take you back because you feel bad, then I don't want to hear it. You... You broke me, Jiwon. You broke something inside of me, you took it from me and you made me live like this, you forced me to get up every morning without this part of myself and function as if everything was fine. I can't write anymore, everything that comes out is pure hatred toward some girl I know nothing about and a shitty feeling of hurt no one wants to hear. It's not beautiful, it's dissonant and unpleasant and I hate everything I create with it. I don't care about how it made you feel, I know you feel bad, you're a good person, you rarely do anything that could hurt anyone and it must feel like hell for you to realize that you were even capable of that shit but you know what Jiwon? I don't care yet.''

Jiwon didn't know he was crying until a tear fell dropped on his lips. ''Okay... I-I understand... You don't have to care... I'm sorry, I just want you to... I want you to be okay...''

''Then give it back!'' Hanbin hardly ever raised his voice, but that time he did and the wind hit even colder ''Give it fucking back! Make me feel like myself again! Make it stop hurting Jiwon, then I'll be fucking okay! How can I ever trust you again?! How can I look at you without thinking about that knife in my chest every time I wake up and remember you're not my home anymore?!'' 

Both men were staring at each other, hurt expressions stuck on their faces and tears rolling down their cheeks and neck. Under them, all of Seoul started counting. 

Ten! Jiwon swallowed his tears and raised his hand in Hanbin's direction, reaching for something he may never get back.

Nine! Hanbin put out his cigarette on the floor and threw it away, the bitter taste in his mouth feeling worse than usual.

Eight! Jiwon sniffled and let out a last sob before opening his mouth again ''I don't know if I can give it back Bin... I don't know... I hope... I hope I took it from you and kept it inside of me instead and that's why I was keeping a brave face... I hope I didn't lost it forever... Take it back...''

Seven! ''Please take it back...''

Six! Hanbin put both of his arms around himself, holding tight to protect his body from the cold and his soul from getting frosbite. 

Five! ''Take it back... Take everything... I don't need anything without you''

Four! The younger finally raised his eyes to meet Jiwon's red ones. That was when he saw it. That was when he knew that Jiwon was missing a part of him too. 

Three! ''Give it back... and I'll give back yours''

Two! Jiwon stopped breathing when he saw the love of his life walking towards him, so slowly it could kill him. Please come to me, he thought, come to me, never let go, I'll never let go again.

One! Hanbin stood before him, no clear expression in his eyes, until they met his again. He took his face into his freezing hands, making Jiwon shiver, but not from the cold. 

Happy New Year! They didn't hear it, nor did they pay any attention to the fireworks blowing into the sky right behind them. Jiwon's hands found their way on Hanbin's body without having to think about it, their souls recognizing each other in an instant. It felt right. It felt whole. It felt like home. Hanbin's hands left his face to gently stroke the back of his neck, their lips refusing to come apart. 

Jiwon couldn't tell what happened after that even if he had to; it was all too vague and warm to explain or to even remember clearly. Like a beautiful dream you try to get back to by falling asleep again, but it's already gone. The sun had risen when he got back to himself, Hanbin securely held into his arms on the couch of his studio. ''Are you asl-'' Hanbin groaned ''No''. 

''Are we... Are we okay?''. Hanbin took quite a long time answering that, but he still ended up mumbling ''Do I still love you...? Yes. Do I want to spend my life with you? … yes, probably. Are you forgiven yet?... Well, we have all the time in the world to work on it.''

Jiwon squished his cheek on the top of his boyfriend's head, a calming feeling of relief washing over him. I still love you. I still love you. I still love you. That was everything he needed to hear. The rest would come, he'd make sure of it. 

''Thank you'' Hanbin only nuzzled farther into his shoulder, breathing that familiar smell he missed so much. Expensive aftershave, mint and sweat. Home. ''We all fuck up sometimes... I was angry but I... I get that it was terrifying for you, maybe more than for me. We don't have to say anything to anyone, I don't care. I just want us to be happy... and whole''

Jiwon knew life wouldn't be so easy. The words felt reassuring at the moment, but he knew it would pass and things would get scary again. But he didn't really care. Not when Hanbin was feeling whole again, falling asleep on his shoulder, the rest of his beautiful body laying on his like it was meant to be. Life was terrifying, figuring out who we are is always terrifying, but life witout Hanbin was far more than that. A life without Hanbin wasn't meant to be. Not for now. Certainly not ever. And with that one and only certitude, Jiwon fell asleep and slept a peaceful sleep, dreaming about the only thing that made sense to him in the immensity of the universe: his love for Hanbin.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this once again, feel free to leave kudos or a comment because those make me so happy


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